Things no one tells you about pregnancy

Let’s not deny it, whenever you speak to any woman about pregnancy all you hear are their disgusting stories about how traumatic their labour was… tearing, emergency cesareans, infections, what the pain feels like… I don’t think I need to go on.

But what no one really talks about are the nine months leading up to that. So when I became pregnant for the first time I had no idea what to expect, other than the fact that I would put on weight, and it would be mostly on my stomach. Yes, that was literally all i’d considered.

So far I’ve had a happy and healthy pregnancy. But I do feel like there are certain things that no one tells you about the nine months leading up to your baby being born, so I feel like this is my duty.

Here is my list of things that no one tells you about pregnancy:

You’re tired… all the time
This is not the kind of tiredness you feel after a heavy night on the town or a long day at work, this is the feeling of being absolutely exhausted, all the time. Say hello to the sofa, because that’s where you’ll spend most of your time for the next nine months.

You can’t get comfortable in bed
Like, ever! I will never take turning over in bed for granted ever again. Thank the lord for the pregnancy pillow!

Goodbye sleep
The baby hasn’t been born yet and already I’m waking up for two hours a night. Somehow I don’t think it’ll get any better when the baby arrives!

It feels like the baby is kicking you in the cervix
To be honest, the baby kicking is one of the best things in the world, I literally love it. But it doesn’t always kick outwards, no, it feels like it’s kicking you in the cervix! Think… uncomfortable smear test…

The mystery of the full bladder
Apparently you need a full bladder for your scans. My bladder ended up so full that the sonographer told me to empty it, twice! She was still able to do the scan and get a good picture after i’d been to the toilet, so can someone please enlighten me on why the bladder must be full!

Snail speed
You’re officially the slowest walker ever! I have no idea why this happens, but there’s just no speed there anymore. And why must I get a stitch after walking for about two minutes?!

Nothing fits
You might think that you’re not really any wider around the hips and bum at 24 weeks, but you definitely are, especially when your favourite pyjamas start cutting off your circulation and you need new knickers!

Toilet time
Through the night, every night, twice a night, from day one. I thought this would happen later on as the baby is much bigger and presses on the bladder, but no, this happens in the first trimester too! Roll on the third trimester…

When you do go to the toilet, it takes ages to get the wee out
It’s like having cystitis but without the pain! Is this baby actually squeezing my bladder?

Hello Hunchback
As it grows, your stomach feels full and tight, like you have a 3-course meal sitting on your stomach at all times. As a result you start looking like the Hunchback of Notre-Dame! Most of the time I can’t straighten my back without feeling like i’m going to pull a muscle in my stomach.

Relaxin is a bitch
This hormone better pull through during labour, because most of the time it’s horrible. Its job is to relax your ligaments, joints and muscles in preparation for the birth. But it also leads you to pull an intercostal muscle in your ribs from a slight cough – painful.

Don’t bend over
As your belly grows and grows, it’s better to stop bending over altogether, or you risk looking like Lee Evans in There’s Something About Mary when drops his keys!

Alien belly
By the time you hit your third trimester, your baby will try to get out on a regular basis. Whether it’s the side, top or bottom of your stomach, it’s feet/knees/bum-galore from now on. And if it has a little stretch like mine does, it’s Sigourney Weaver in Alien all over again.

Pain, pain and pain
Sharp and very painful bladder pain, especially at 39-40 weeks. Groin pain, as if it’s sitting on a nerve. Just pain, in places!

Waddling woman
As the baby makes it’s way to the head-down birthing position, there’s a feeling of constant pressure in your groin, and it’s bloody uncomfortable, hence the waddle!

Dinner medals
If food drops from your mouth mid-meal, have no fear – your massive stomach will catch it.

EVERYONE has an opinion on your pregnancy
‘Your bump is huge’… ‘your bump is tiny’… ‘it’s really high’… ‘it’s really low’… ‘strained intercostal muscle? No it’s just the baby kicking your ribs’… ‘here’s my list of things that will get your labour started’… how about you all just shut up and leave me alone!

Turn your phone off!
As soon as you hit your due date you’ll get constant texts, phone calls and Facebook messages asking if you’re having movements, twinges or if there’s any sign of the baby. Oh yes, I had it two days ago and just didn’t tell you. Stop asking!

Good luck getting ready
It’s virtually impossible to put tights and socks on from 38 weeks. You have to do an awkward manoeuvre where you sit down and cross one leg over the other and put your feet in sideways. So most of the time you end up with twisted socks!

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