When will my baby sleep through the night

Remember that first night in the hospital when the nurse made you wake your baby at 2am to feed it? Well that was probably just diamorphine in their system from the labour. It literally lasts one night.

Your baby will wake up at least twice in the night for the first few months. To be honest, apart from the obvious shock to the system, in hindsight the first few months are probably the easiest; you expect the 4am wake-up calls and sleepless nights.

But as the months go on there is so much more crap messing with your baby’s sleep.

Like a little gremlin, no one knows what will become of your baby once the sun goes down. Every night you approach the bedtime routine with caution, and a feeling of dread in the depths of your stomach. Wondering… will she wake up tonight, and for how long?

One stir and you’re frantically googling ‘when will my baby sleep through the night?’

The answer… probably never!

Well ok, not never. But i’m not going to lie to you, since Annabelle was born i’ve seen 4am more times than my hairbrush. You think you’ve got it cracked, and then BAM…!

So, here are my top 5 things that will keep you up during the night:

Ok, you knew about this before you entered the world of motherhood, so you can handle it. Hopefully you’ll have a baby that only feeds twice a night in the early days… if you’re lucky.

4 month sleep regression
Literally NO ONE tells you about this. I only figured this one out after lying awake at 5am Googling ‘why has my four month old stopped sleeping through the night’. I mean this should be lesson 1 in motherhood: how to deal with your child when they’re waking up every hour for one, two, or even three weeks. It’s possibly the biggest pain in the arse, but it does pass… until the nine month regression.

Developmental milestones
‘Ah look, she’s rolling over! How cute!’ Yeah, not when you put her to bed and she transforms into a baby gymnastics champion. Rolling over and crying because she still hasn’t worked out how to roll back yet. Not once, not twice, but all night. Almost worse than the sleep regression. Almost.

Tripping major ballsack
Think 21 Jump Street. My baby started tripping major ballsack the day she discovered she had hands. Waving them in front of her face like a mime artist on drugs.

The dummy
An inexperienced individual would think that the dummy is helpful, but it’s an absolute pain in the arse. Babies learn how to pull it out, then cry about it until you drag your arse out of bed at 3am to put it back in. The only reason I’m sticking with it is to avoid the inevitable prune thumb from sucking.

If you’re reading this looking for advice, then I can’t help you. However I would say take as many naps as humanly possible and get grandma to babysit, they love it.

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